no guts, no glory; no pain, no gain

To put it in the words of Bono, I'm "stuck in a moment I can't get out of." Or something like that. You U2 fans who also happen to read my blog can correct me later.

Or maybe my favorite Bob Schneider song says it best:

She said I had big dreams, big dreams don't you know?
But it's so hard to make these big dreams come true.
Now I try to hold on to what we had the best I could.
I find holdin on is the hardest thing to do.

Point is, I am at a place in my life where I am not reaching my goals. I have lofty dreams of being a career creative, and yet I do not spend every moment of my days reaching for that.

Instead, I fill it up with things I need to do. I need to work, of course, to pay bills. I need to keep the house clean, the laundry clean, and keep the dog fed and exercised. I need to do all sorts of things--and not one of those involves me furthering my own life's ambitions.

My mom told me that sometimes, you have to ignore the dirt. I'm pretty sure she was referring to the fact that I will never get every single black Finley hair up off of the floor, and not every room in the house will always be perfectly clean. In fact, that's a rarity. But I think she also means that sometimes we just have to live with the proverbial dirt in our lives. If I was able to sweep away my tendencies to procrastinate, or to wipe up my fear of failure, or launder all of my insecurities, maybe I'd be a better person.

The thing is, I'm choosing to live with that dirt.

In essence, I am choosing not to fulfill my own dreams. I am letting myself get sucked further and further into the domestic doldrums, and I'm not even a quarter-century old yet.

Many of my friends and colleagues have traveled, sought higher education, and met hundreds of people. I am just average, with my bachelor's degree, my full-time job, my four-door sedan, and my knack for poor fashion choices.

Where did I loose my need to be an individual, and to shine above the competition? When did I become ok with being complacent with my life? When did I stop trying to be a famous singer/songwriter, and when did I just decide to start giving up before I got good at something?

I think it started in college when I realized I could get by without actually reading the entire book. Don't you?